Let the Healing Begin...

Happy Thursday to you, and to those of you who AREN'T recovering from arthroscopic surgery on your right knee, then consider yourselves lucky. Compared to some of the facial surgeries I had as a kid to repair my cleft palate and cleft lip, this one has actually left me with very little to complain about. If anything, it's more of an inconvenience, but it still sucks.

The surgery went fairly smooth, with the exception of my doctor showing up a half-hour late for her own party. By the time she showed up, I'd donned the latest in hospital gown fashion, been asked at least a half-dozen times when was the last time I'd eaten or drank anything, and been examined by three separate anesthesiologists, the last of which explained rather frankly that I weigh twice as much as I should, and therefore they needed to make sure I had a good enough airway so as not to die during the surgery. After five minutes with the doctor and an introduction by my attending nurse that reminded me of being served at O'Charley's - "Hi, my name is Rhonda, and I'll be your attending nurse today. Can I start you off with a valium cocktail, or maybe a plate of Celebrex?" - my own private army of medical personnel arrived to wheel me into the operating room. With all of the hustle and bustle, I was starting to feel glad that they made me put my initials on the knee they were supposed to be fixing, just in case someone forgot mid-incision.

Once in the room and scooted onto an operating table, the frank anesthesiologist placed a mask over my mouth saying she wanted to make sure my lungs had plenty of oxygen before they knocked me out. The next thing I knew, I was laying on a gurney in the recovery room, hearing from the doctor that she'd been able to save the cartilage and that I'd be on crutches for 3 or 4 weeks. UGH.

That's where the inconvenience part comes in. There's just NO good way to get in the shower using only one leg and a pair of crutches. There's no easy way to navigate a set of stairs on crutches, either at home or at work (and my company is one of those remaining few that's never heard of the Americans with Disabilities Act, as they still have no elevator to my office on the second floor). There's no good way to stand in front of the stove to cook dinner, nor is there any easy way to carry things while you're on crutches. I know this for a fact, and would submit the video (if one existed) of me holding the Coleman-cooler-like CryoCuff water bottle in my left hand, with the phone receiver in my pocket, and the handle of the empty Crystal Light pitcher tucked in the waistband of my shorts while using my left armpit to stabilize one crutch and my right hand to work the other one. You want pizza for lunch??? You better figure out how to hop on only one crutch.

Lord knows I'm not a good patient. When I'm sick, I just want to curl up in a ball in a room with no lights in front of the TV or the computer. I don't need nurses, or flowers, or cards sending happy thoughts. Just leave me the hell alone and I'll come out when I'm back to my normal fat, cheerful self ready to be optimistic and full of life. My wife is getting tired of hearing about it, but one of these days someone needs to invent a Fast Forward button for life, because I'd buy one and extra batteries for the times when I'm sick. I'd have to restrain myself from using it to escape other hard times, but it'd come in damned handy during those times - like this one - when I was going to be stuck on crutches for 3-4 weeks with no way out but to hurry up and heal.

I suppose I should be very thankful that I will be able to use my leg again in a few short weeks, and that I'm not one of those people who has to get around on one leg for the rest of my life. And I suppose I should stop asking Carrie if she's found a fast-forward button yet, or she'll kick me in the bad knee. It's just hard to be sore and cranky when you're usually a happy person. And try as I might to force myself to be happy mentally even though my body is in bad shape physically, it's just not going to happen, I don't think.

So if you're not recovering from surgery to repair a torn lateral meniscus, smile damnit!